uhh what?

So i woke up this morning and i noticed my computer was unplug.. well i thought that was a bit odd since when i went to bed it was plugged in.. then i noticed my docking station for my iphone. it was spinned the opposite direction, which it used to face me.. so im not sure if someone has been coming in my room or if im sleep walking and changing all this shit

so close

so i almost gave in last night. i dont know why i just had this urge. i needed to self harm. i needed to cut my skin and see the blood. it was to the point where i was trying to take the blades out of a pencil sharpener. if i was able to get them out then i wouldve relapsed. im kinda happy i wasnt able to take them apart but then again i am kinda sad. i was numb last night. i couldnt emotionally feel. i wanted to feel something, anything. i wasnt depressed or sad... i wasnt anything. i was nothing. i am nothing. im not important to anyone or anything. im useless to this world. why am i even alive at the moment. if i disappeared most likely no one would notice.
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ill talk to you guys later.
not your average teen

back to average life

so i go back to school today and i feel like shit. my throat hurts really bad because of my cold. it fucking sucks. luckily its not strep throat but i still just want this pain to go away. honestly im only excited to see my friends and go to shop today. everything else and every other class im gonna dread going to.. especially gym! ahh im almost done! only like two weeks left ! yay ! then ill be done gym for the rest of my high school career. welp i have to go get ready for the day. talk to you guys later!

xoxo
Not your average teen

ahhh college !

How was everyones New Years? Well I sure hope yours was great ! Anthony was able to hang out and stay the night with me.. even though i hit a major low point last night at like 4:30. We hung out all day today, which is out 10 month :) Yay ! Honestly i couldnt ask for a better new years!

So you might be wondering about the title... well for volleyball i have to email 25 college coaches about recruiting. I found one college I am very interested in.. NYU ! Not only do they have do they have a great volleyball team but also an amazing dental program.. which i am currently studying in high school. It's also right in the city which should be an exciting experience. Maybe I'll email the admissions office to get more information about the courses and the campus. Have any of you guys visited that campus.. if so please let me know!! Need as much information as possible!

Welp more to talk about next time

See ya !

good day

so today was a good day. i was able to get the alcohol and give it to anthony. also anthony and i went to the mall i got a new hipster phone case, a pair of leggings, and nose rings. im gonna try to pierce my own nose! praying that it goes well. lollz so that party for new years tomorrow and i think anthony is going to spend the night <3 im kinda excited for tomorrow night .. thats an actual first.

still so much on my mind

So i just got back from an all day volleyball tournament. it went well we got third place and went 3-2 ! not to shabby for our first tournament. after we lost our last game we had to work and i really opened up to one of my team mates. like i told her about how i did drugs and  drank alcohol and also how i self harmed myself. thankfully she didnt judge me because she has done the same things and self harmed also! but i guess its the fact talking about it brought back bad memories. sometimes i miss cutting my skin and seeing the blood. eventually having those scars. im sad the scars on my thighs are fading. i dont want them to go away. i dont know what to do anymore!! someone please help me !

two long stressful days

so i just laid down from two long stressful days. i just got back from a two all day wrestling tournament. it was hell. not only was i sick but also the other manager was being a total bitch. like i didnt even do anything wrong, she was flipping the fuck out for no reason! ughh !! it pisses me off so much! i miss my boyfriend OH! and tomorrow i have an all day volleyball tournament tomorrow
god i just need sleep !